My Life's Magic

Once upon a time I'd have begun this blog post with some cheerful [?] off-the-cuff-remark to get it rolling. Yet, today it doesn't seem necessary. I think that overall it's positive and if you find it helpful, then I'm pleased. If not your sort of thing, then thanks for looking anyway. Good luck with your own search. Today, this is about my own. So much has changed in 2016; so many relationships, situations, memories, abuses revisited and ways of perceiving , reacting, responding, living have been taken apart and put together again, with additional understanding; assisted by counselling, reading, videos, friends and family. Whether my early memories were [or were not] accurate, informed, complete or simply remembered differently for my protection, now has much less relevance. 'We all have our own reality' was a suggestion that made me think - it became a little less about putting right the past, or getting apologies or imagining 'what things might have b...

I see that it's more than a month since my last blog post. Since then we've had a lovely foreign holiday in Austria,near Salzburg. I was delighted by the beautiful scenery and buildings and welcomed the opportunity to explore...some of the flat bits!. The sense of culture and also stability was perhaps a little misleading, given the closely fought Presidential election going on nationally in Austria at that time. I even had a lengthy and enlightening chat with a Bavarian family about their experience of learning English in Germany and the so called Brexit vote looming in GB. The views surprised me. All in all, a complete change and a bit of an escape, too. I look forward to returning ; I aim to improve my German before then, although we had no problems with our efforts at conversation and which were always appreciated locally! Strobl , Austria. My photo was taken early one morning. Back in the UK, I continue to volunteer in a local school. I am enjoying it very m...

This morning finds me at my desk with a lively mind to put in order. Last evening was my regular counselling appointment, which is part of the reason. Others include my singing lesson later, and the uncertainty of tomorrow with the chance to experience what might be the beginnings of a new career. [More anon]. If I do what I tell myself, I can put these later events to one side. They will be fun and I'm looking forward to them, albeit with the full knowledge that in both cases I shall come away knowing more than when I went in. I shall meet many new people. So be it, I'll do my best. Nervous! So, to 'Counselling', the Psychodynamic version. I sit in a comfortable armchair facing the counsellor at an angle. She smiles and is approachable, we talk. I have the first word...'Well here we are again...'.. silence ... 'What shall we talk about?'.. She responds to my defensive strategy by asking about what has happened since we last met... I can't reca...

''...I have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away, where either were concerned. Till this moment, I never knew myself. '' Thus writes an ashamed Elizabeth, in Jane Austen's wonderful book 'Pride & Prejudice' after reading and mentally digesting a letter from Mr Darcy. She felt 'ashamed..blind..partial..prejudiced..absurd', as demonstrated by her previous thoughts and actions in connection with Mr Darcy and Mr Wickham . Of course it is all too simple to believe ourselves to be infallible and discerning. I recall a pottery mug with the wise guidance ''Please ensure brain is engaged before opening mouth'' and yet that's only half the story and reason for the title of this blog. Thinking is not always good and constructive, any more than is achieved by acting without thought, it seems to me. We 'think' to drive forward decisions, actions, processes or sometimes to reinforce our sense of being...

I've always thought I am optimistic, yet now I'm not so clear about that.  I've often encouraged myself and others too, to 'look forward', 'expect better', 'something always turns up'. That's positive enough, for sure...and yet I've recently been forced by events and counselling to reflect whether part of my 'optimism' was actually my way of ignoring the past and events of my childhood in particular. I'd compare it to seeing life in two dimensions instead of three. So here I am, now seeing the past years as the experience of a man previously insensitive to so much that others may take for granted and that makes us truly human. Yet still hopeful that I can make a better job of the years ahead. In thoughts and deeds, my 'frown' is becoming a 'smile'.

In my last post I mentioned  how I started 'wobbling'. Is that good or bad? At school, in the physics lessons of early grammar school, I recall learning about the different sorts of 'equilibrium'... including stable and unstable equilibrium. Move away from 'stable' equilibrium and in due course you return to that state, like for instance a clock pendulum, swinging away... and returning... going the other way... and returning...ultimately stopping where it started. For some, this is the lifestyle, safe in the knowledge that their adventures and experiences in life will not disturb their safe resting state, to which they inevitably return. Yet, move away from a state of 'unstable' equilibrium and all hell can break loose in the roller-coaster run to the next point of rest, temporary or final. Think what happens when people step off Cooper's Hill,  cheese rolling in Gloucestershire.. Wheeeeeeeeee................. Thud! With a strong moral and disci...

So what is it that has got me blogging again? Encouragement from my SO , certainly, but also a sense that there is 'worth' in my daily experiences and the need to record it for my future recollection. The problem I have with writing is that I think it will take too long to type.. so I defer it until I have more time.. and don't. Prevarication, the thief of time. Yet my SO says I just need 30 minutes and I have to agree it's worth a try. The 'worth' in my blog is principally for my own benefit, of course, yet I hope it's expression will sometimes yield helpful comments, encouragement or simply 'been there, got the badge, it's OK' Since my last blog entries in 2014, so much has happened ... success, failure, growth, insight, stress, anxiety and confusion in jobs and daily life, generally. Amidst this, my singing has happily flourished and the support of my immediate family has kept me going, together with one or two friends. Was I just gettin...