Life's wobbles can be creative...........
In my last post I mentioned how I started 'wobbling'. Is that good or bad?
At school, in the physics lessons of early grammar school, I recall learning about the different sorts of 'equilibrium'... including stable and unstable equilibrium.
Move away from 'stable' equilibrium and in due course you return to that state, like for instance a clock pendulum, swinging away... and returning... going the other way... and returning...ultimately stopping where it started. For some, this is the lifestyle, safe in the knowledge that their adventures and experiences in life will not disturb their safe resting state, to which they inevitably return.
Yet, move away from a state of 'unstable' equilibrium and all hell can break loose in the roller-coaster run to the next point of rest, temporary or final. Think what happens when people step off Cooper's Hill, cheese rolling in Gloucestershire.. Wheeeeeeeeee................. Thud!
With a strong moral and disciplined lower middle class upbringing from the 1950's, it is hardly surprising - to me at least - that profound change was not top of the menu. Neither was there a precedent of change or expectation of initiative from me.
That I couldn't wait to get away from my East Midlands hometown to study in London in the early 1970's was a mark of my difference. A professional life followed in Southern parts of England.
And whilst wealth has not come my way, I have a wife and children of whom I am well proud.
My work and relationships were all marked, on reflection, by lack of self confidence or leadership skills and a preference to support and please others, WANTING approval as if my happiness relied on it. Again, one might wonder at my surprise, given my origins, yet these characteristics are not a function of my class per se.
To use the models offered by my counsellor, 'Validation' and 'Affirmation' was in short supply and ..what was worse .. when offered them honestly, my family values and upbringing led me to brush them off as 'not the done thing' , 'showing off', 'pride before a fall', 'anyone could do it' ... Oh dear!!
So, 'stable' equilibrium was the roots of my upbringing, and moving away from home to London, a top university, meeting people from all over the world, of all colours creeds and wealth was not expected of me. Neither did I have the social skills of many, particularly the art of understanding non-verbal communication and the variety of motives that we all face at work or play.
As the years rolled by I sensed a difference from what I would call 'normal' people - the ease of banter, friendship, disagreement and laughter - which I was so often ill at ease with. Anxiety and stress were often present, eased by exercise and riding horses, taking me to another world for a while.
Was I 'normal', the 'full shilling'? Was I autistic with these blank spots in my life skills, with suggestion of Asberger Syndrome ?
Why should it have mattered anyway?? Why couldn't I just live my life with assurance? This pressure of doubt became more relevant to me over the last 10 years. Little wobbles, trembles, opportunity for reflection - and of course I was now in my 50's - became cracks in my values and foundations .
I remember, very clearly asking myself around that time as to what used to make me happy, and recalling the fun I had singing at university.
So I decided to take up singing again.. I couldn't suffer life becoming worse.
And so these rumblings, creaks and groans in my life, heralding an early period of 'wobble' seeded change that would become creative and irreversible for me.
They would also influence others, too.
At school, in the physics lessons of early grammar school, I recall learning about the different sorts of 'equilibrium'... including stable and unstable equilibrium.
Move away from 'stable' equilibrium and in due course you return to that state, like for instance a clock pendulum, swinging away... and returning... going the other way... and returning...ultimately stopping where it started. For some, this is the lifestyle, safe in the knowledge that their adventures and experiences in life will not disturb their safe resting state, to which they inevitably return.
Yet, move away from a state of 'unstable' equilibrium and all hell can break loose in the roller-coaster run to the next point of rest, temporary or final. Think what happens when people step off Cooper's Hill, cheese rolling in Gloucestershire.. Wheeeeeeeeee................. Thud!
With a strong moral and disciplined lower middle class upbringing from the 1950's, it is hardly surprising - to me at least - that profound change was not top of the menu. Neither was there a precedent of change or expectation of initiative from me.
That I couldn't wait to get away from my East Midlands hometown to study in London in the early 1970's was a mark of my difference. A professional life followed in Southern parts of England.
And whilst wealth has not come my way, I have a wife and children of whom I am well proud.
My work and relationships were all marked, on reflection, by lack of self confidence or leadership skills and a preference to support and please others, WANTING approval as if my happiness relied on it. Again, one might wonder at my surprise, given my origins, yet these characteristics are not a function of my class per se.
To use the models offered by my counsellor, 'Validation' and 'Affirmation' was in short supply and ..what was worse .. when offered them honestly, my family values and upbringing led me to brush them off as 'not the done thing' , 'showing off', 'pride before a fall', 'anyone could do it' ... Oh dear!!
So, 'stable' equilibrium was the roots of my upbringing, and moving away from home to London, a top university, meeting people from all over the world, of all colours creeds and wealth was not expected of me. Neither did I have the social skills of many, particularly the art of understanding non-verbal communication and the variety of motives that we all face at work or play.
As the years rolled by I sensed a difference from what I would call 'normal' people - the ease of banter, friendship, disagreement and laughter - which I was so often ill at ease with. Anxiety and stress were often present, eased by exercise and riding horses, taking me to another world for a while.
Was I 'normal', the 'full shilling'? Was I autistic with these blank spots in my life skills, with suggestion of Asberger Syndrome ?
Why should it have mattered anyway?? Why couldn't I just live my life with assurance? This pressure of doubt became more relevant to me over the last 10 years. Little wobbles, trembles, opportunity for reflection - and of course I was now in my 50's - became cracks in my values and foundations .
I remember, very clearly asking myself around that time as to what used to make me happy, and recalling the fun I had singing at university.
So I decided to take up singing again.. I couldn't suffer life becoming worse.
And so these rumblings, creaks and groans in my life, heralding an early period of 'wobble' seeded change that would become creative and irreversible for me.
They would also influence others, too.
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