Looking back in anger & dismay, yet still looking forward with hope......

I've always thought I am optimistic, yet now I'm not so clear about that. 

I've often encouraged myself and others too, to 'look forward', 'expect better', 'something always turns up'. That's positive enough, for sure...and yet I've recently been forced by events and counselling to reflect whether part of my 'optimism' was actually my way of ignoring the past and events of my childhood in particular. I'd compare it to seeing life in two dimensions instead of three.

So here I am, now seeing the past years as the experience of a man previously insensitive to so much that others may take for granted and that makes us truly human. Yet still hopeful that I can make a better job of the years ahead.
In thoughts and deeds, my 'frown' is becoming a 'smile'.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blogging again........another step...

So what is it that has got me blogging again? Encouragement from my SO , certainly, but also a sense that there is 'worth' in my daily experiences and the need to record it for my future recollection. The problem I have with writing is that I think it will take too long to type.. so I defer it until I have more time.. and don't. Prevarication, the thief of time. Yet my SO says I just need 30 minutes and I have to agree it's worth a try. The 'worth' in my blog is principally for my own benefit, of course, yet I hope it's expression will sometimes yield helpful comments, encouragement or simply 'been there, got the badge, it's OK' Since my last blog entries in 2014, so much has happened ... success, failure, growth, insight, stress, anxiety and confusion in jobs and daily life, generally. Amidst this, my singing has happily flourished and the support of my immediate family has kept me going, together with one or two friends. Was I just gettin...
Read more

''I dare to call this progress....Perfectly Imperfect''

Once upon a time I'd have begun this blog post with some cheerful [?] off-the-cuff-remark to get it rolling. Yet, today it doesn't seem necessary. I think that overall it's positive and if you find it helpful, then I'm pleased. If not your sort of thing, then thanks for looking anyway. Good luck with your own search. Today, this is about my own. So much has changed in 2016; so many relationships, situations, memories, abuses revisited and ways of perceiving , reacting, responding, living have been taken apart and put together again, with additional understanding; assisted by counselling, reading, videos, friends and family. Whether my early memories were [or were not] accurate, informed, complete or simply remembered differently for my protection, now has much less relevance. 'We all have our own reality' was a suggestion that made me think - it became a little less about putting right the past, or getting apologies or imagining 'what things might have b...
Read more

Sight singing...it ain't what you do but the way that you do it...

'Do you have any targets...?'...asked a friend after my first recent blog entry. 'Well, no actually'. I hate targets set by others - often 'controlling'- but my own are a little vague. Instead, this morning saw the sun streaming through the window, frost on the ground (hence no exercise run just yet) and a mound of music by my bed. For reasons mentioned below, I felt the urge to write..computer/coffee/Handel's Solomon/Andreas Scholl playing..away we go... Last night was spent at the first rehearsal for a concert by Gloucester Choral Society in March 2014, performing music by child prodigy Mozart in Gloucester Cathedral. Now, my 'sight singing/reading' only started about six years ago, building on fragile knowledge of music from schooldays (saved for another later blog..) . More recently I've had to study it to cope with singing choral and solo music and ABRSM exam grades. Sight reading  - reading and singing directly from a music score ne...
Read more